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Topic starter
08/10/2017 4:33 pm
All Hallow's Eve
(first draft)
A rat skitters over the rain-wet cobbles of an alley fragrant with star anise. Young women in short skirts and heels hurry down the street hugging themselves against the wind. A black Mercedes with tinted windows cruises past. On the back step of the Lucky Dragon a chef in dirty whites takes a cigarette break. Pink neon in puddles. Chained trash cans spilling over. Spotlit the tall Chinese gate. Chinatown, two minutes shy of midnight.
The world turns
and I turn with it
waiting for my ride.
Best wishes, Stuart.
08/10/2017 4:59 pm
I liked this when you read it out, and it's still good on the page. As well as the imagery and atmosphere, I like the increasingly short sentences, leading to 'you waiting for your ride'. It occurs to me that the last haiku would also work with the third line 'waiting for my ride' as the first line? Not sure if it's better, but I think it might situate the narrator earlier, and leave the reader with a sense of movement in 'and I turn with it' as the final line, rather than a feeling of stasis at the end? Not sure... Keep 'em coming!
09/10/2017 9:56 am
I'm still asking myself detective-story questions. The Mercedes is clearly not the narrator's ride, so what is? Something equally sinister. Which character is the narrator? A girl, I guess, but I'm not sure why. It's a film!
Topic starter
13/10/2017 2:11 pm
I've just posted a revised version of 'All Hallow's Eve'. I feel it's just better expressed but it's not significantly different. If there's a narrator that would be me (it always is). The 'ride' doesn't refer to vehicular transport (Mercedes or otherwise) but something more ultimate. It originally was the last line of 'Just hanging out/in this corner of the cosmos/waiting for my ride'.
Best wishes, Stuart.
