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Some new haiku for comment please  


George Marsh
(@george-marsh)
Eminent Member Admin
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 49
Topic starter  

in muddy water

through cloud

sun blazes

 

in the ribcage

of a winter hedge

liquid sunset spreads 

 

to stragglebush

the topiarist

brings pride

 

stir suck and kiss

the long egret beak

entices

 


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Sean O'Connor
(@mailseanmusic-com)
New Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 2
 

HI George,

Nice work. In the first of these two there is something amiss with the rhythm of their final lines. 'Sun blazes' seems a tight phrase, a fragment. I wonder would 'the sun blazes' or 'blazing sun' read better? 'Liquid sunset spreads' also seems to disrupt the rhythm but not sure what to suggest, sorry. They are good though. Love the word 'ribcage' in particular, and do like them both.

The final two I like a lot. There is something fascinating about the last one especially. Well done.


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Heather Dyer
(@heatherdyerbooksgmail-com)
Eminent Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 23
 

Nice, George. Like Sean, I think ribcage is wonderful. Maybe the last line just 'liquid sunset'? I can see them all. Love the humor in the proud bush and the enticing beak is a chilling choice of adjective. Great. 


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George Marsh
(@george-marsh)
Eminent Member Admin
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 49
Topic starter  

Yes, just "liquid sunset".

I have an old fondness for three beats together to end on - there is a specialist term for it somewhere (I think I saw it in a book by Tom Paulin) - like Yeats' line ending "in the deep heart's core" (or "three blind mice"!). But it seems the rhythm does not suit here.


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Jonathan Buckley
(@mejpdbuckley-co-uk)
Active Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 16
 

I think the choice of either sunset spreads or liquid sunset is correct because liquid and spread seem to fight it each other image-wise. By the way there is a great song by John Hiatt called Lipstick Sunset 🙂


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George Marsh
(@george-marsh)
Eminent Member Admin
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 49
Topic starter  

I see the software has imposed a class system on us. Heather and Sean have colourless half stars as new members, Jonathan has a splendid green star as an active member, and I am accorded the title "Eminent member" and two pips on my sleeve!


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Megan Griffiths
(@megonthehillgooglemail-com)
New Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 2
 

George, I think I'm 'in' - and the site is wonderful with all that archived material (only briefly perused as yet).  Thanks for your help.

Particularly like the last haiku:  delicious sounds and a lively image!

Meg

 


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Stuart Quine
(@stuartquine0gmail-com)
Eminent Member
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 29
 

Hi George,

I like the subtle humour of the third but also stumble over the rhythm of the first. Maybe the following would scan better:

through cloud

the sun blazes 

in muddy water

Stuart.


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George Marsh
(@george-marsh)
Eminent Member Admin
Joined: 5 years ago
Posts: 49
Topic starter  

Yes, that's good Stuart.


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